


In the End, This is Us

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: On and On [13]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 18:03:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: “I never plan to hesitate with you again.” Liv took his hand.  “I made that mistake more than a few times; I've mostly learned my lesson.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> This will likely be the last work of fanfiction I ever write. I uploaded my first fic on February 2, 2005 and so much has changed since then, a whole lifetime has gone by in so many ways. There have been ships that defined times of my life and this is one of them. I am so grateful to every reader, every shipper, every fan, every commenter, every moment of joy, bliss, sadness, and even rage I've had as I've told so many of these stories over the years. It's been a blessing to give them to you...it's been a blessing for me to write.

He looked at his watch again, she was definitely late. It wasn’t the kind of late that would make Ed concerned for her safety but his stomach dropped a bit thinking he was in the wrong place. He imagined Liv in a restaurant with a similar name looking at her watch and wondering what was going on. Then he remembered the reservation request was in her name here. Ed was a bit early but they led him to a candlelit table. Ed didn’t like the table, nothing in the way of elbow room. 

He requested one of the small, circular booths. They were both roomy and intimate. For all the money he was sure this meal would cost, bumping elbows with the gentleman at the next table was unappealing. Now he was checking his phone to see if she texted or left a voicemail. There was nothing so Ed decided to give it ten more minutes before he worried. Liv was rarely late but being a busy, working mom didn’t always lend to making date night on time.

“I'm so sorry I'm late.” Ed heard her voice before he saw her. “There was a to-do with the Lyft driver and then a slight babysitter snafu but I still thought I'd make it on time.”

He stood and just looked at her. She wore a red tea-length dress that looked vintage, covered in black embroidered flowers. There were black peep-toe heels on her feet and Liv’s hair, which she'd recently cut to chin-length was wavy with lighter brown highlights. He'd just seen her last night and not that she wasn’t always beautiful, but…

“What?” she asked smiling. She damn sure knew what.

“You look so beautiful.”

“Thank you.” she and her rather large Michael Kors tote bag made their way into the booth. Ed kissed her and liked it so much that he did it again. “I dress up well, and so do you Captain.”

“I figure when a man wears all black he can't really go wrong. I've never been here before but it’s quite nice.”

Templeton’s was more than quite nice, it was the latest restaurant du jour. Since that changed weekly in Manhattan one needed to give it its due while there was still time. It was all glass and lacquer and modern mood lighting. The menu was mostly steak, chicken, seafood, and hearty American but with a wallet grabbing twist. The wine, spirits, cocktails, and liquor book was nearly five pages long and Ed spent the time he was waiting for Olivia reading it and enjoying the complimentary bread.

“I remember some years ago you looked forward to retiring so that you could experience parts of the city that you hadn’t yet.” Liv said. “I thought for our first date we would do that.”

“It’s lovely. I've seen the wine list…its pricy.”

“Good. Cheap wine is so sinful.”

Ed smiled. The server arriving stopped him from stealing another kiss. Another thing he liked about the booth was the wall around it was high. Someone walking toward you from either side couldn’t see what was happening until they were right in front of you. All the better to get a little handsy; if his date approved. 

He knew the server’s name was Haley and he informed Liv. She smiled and ordered a bottle of Nero d’Avola. Ed didn’t figure on splitting a bottle of wine but he wasn’t opposed. Since his hospital stay he hadn’t been drinking much at all; he was down to two bourbons a week and fine with it. 

This was likely for the best. He was in a better place post-NYPD. He didn’t need to drink for entertainment, boredom, numbness, or to help him fall asleep. And since his drinking had slowed to a trickle that was all the more reason to only keep the best bourbon on hand.

“Red wine is OK, right?” she asked after Haley walked away. She knew he'd been doing less drinking. So had she but Liv was always going to enjoy a good red when she could.

“A glass or two would be nice.” He replied. “It’s good for your heart and I just read a study where the hypothesis was that it could possibly slow the spread of certain types of cancers.”

“How was your day?”

“It was fantastic. Ron and I met up for rowing this morning and then went over to Whole Foods for our weekly produce run. Turns out the produce guy thought Ron had remarried...thought I was the new husband. Ron joked that his next husband would be no older than thirty but he hates that. He hates that whenever gay men have male friends, it’s always assumed to be sexual. I told him we’d just start going to the other Whole Foods and he agreed. Then we went to Jos A. Bank to buy him some new slacks and it occurred to me that we are slowly becoming platonic husbands. And I am totally OK with that.”

“Good to know.” Liv nodded.

“After we parted ways I headed home for happy time with Ronin, which consisted of a light jog around the block and then a nap. I met up with Cait for some daddy-daughter conversation over coffee and now I'm here with you. I had a great day but this might be my favorite part.”

“Me too.” Liv took his face in her hands and kissed him. Since they’d reconciled in September, she couldn’t get enough of his lips.

Haley returned with the bottle of wine and poured the first two glasses. Ed had looked over the menu while waiting for Liv so he ordered the raspberry glazed salmon with the artichoke and tomato salad, no olives and easy on the feta.

“And you, ma'am?”

“I'm going to have the steak and lobster but please hold the Bordelaise.”

“Of course.”

“Ed, do you want to try the lump crab tower appetizer? I'm so intrigued by all the sauces?”

“Sure, absolutely.” He smiled.

“We’ll have that as well.”

“Thank you.” Haley took the menus and walked away.

“Can I make a toast?” Ed held up his glass. He'd never considered red wine before he met Liv. Now he found it mostly tolerable, depending on the kind of course. It didn’t go so great with seafood but none of that mattered to him tonight. “To a lifetime of date nights, exploring new places.”

“I love the sound of that.” Liv tapped her glass on his.

“So you wanna marry me, Benson?”

“Yes.”

“OK, wow,” he smiled. “I expected a little hesitancy.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Human nature mostly.”

“I never plan to hesitate with you again.” Liv took his hand. “I made that mistake more than a few times; I've mostly learned my lesson.”

“I have a ring.” Ed said.

“Can I ask how long you’ve had it?”

“No.” he shook his head.

“Fair enough.”

“I’ll take you back to Paris for our honeymoon, if you want.”

“Just the two of us. I had such fun with Noah but I'm sure we can find a way to entertain ourselves.”

“Whenever we put our heads together it’s never been a problem.”

“Just our heads, Captain?” she stroked his knuckles.

“If the courts weren't closed on the weekends, I'd marry you tomorrow.”

Liv put her hand on her stomach to calm the butterflies. Just a few months ago she wasn’t even sure that she and Ed would make it trying to be friends and now they were openly discussing marriage. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t loved him the entire time, Liv was just teetering on a high wire. She didn’t quite feel that way anymore though her journey was ongoing. With Ed though it was only going forward. 

She refused to put him in a box with any other man who had been in her life. This was true even of the good guys like Fin, Munch, Nick, Barba, and Nathan. Ed Tucker was in a category all his own and deserved to be treated as such. Every single moment they ever shared, even the few where they hurt each other, was life changing for Liv. From the first drink when she was trying to help Nick of out of the jam with his father to their first brunch to the townhouse incident to the death of Mike Dodds…Ed was someone important and good in her life. Liv intended for him to stay that way.

“Oh wow, that looks lovely.” Ed said as the crab tower arrived. “It was a good choice.”

“I think it'll leave plenty of room for your artichoke salad.” Liv said.

“Are you making fun of my healthy eating choices?”

“I would never, ever do such a thing.” She shook her head.

He leaned in really close to her, their noses almost touching.

“I'm going to kiss the cheeky smirk off your face.” Ed whispered.

“Are you threatening me, Captain?”

“I'm promising you.”

“If I knew what the so-called cheeky smirk looked like, I would be doing it right now.”

“You are doing it.”

“So what are you…?”

Ed kissed her. It was sweet and chaste; he sighed when Liv’s tongue came out to play. His did as well and soon they were locked in a passionate kiss.

“Mmm,” he rested his forehead on hers. “I love you.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

***

“Where are we going?” Ed asked.

They were holding hands, walking through the very large lobby of the Lux Hotel. It was the epitome of modernity with lots of colored glass, hip sconces, and modern art on the walls. Even the fake marble floors were really hip. Ed smiled, listening to the sound of Liv’s heels on the floor and watching her hips sway. That was one view he'd never get tired of admiring.

It was raining out this first weekend in November so he thought Liv might be avoiding the weather by leaving directly from the restaurant. It would probably be easier, and drier, to get a cab from the hotel entrance. The longer he watched her walk, the better, but he was still curious though.

“The elevators are made of glass.” Liv glanced back at him. When he walked a step or two behind, she always knew what was doing. She didn’t mind a bit. “It goes all the way up to the 28th floor and a lovely rooftop deck but we’re only going to the 17th.” She stopped at the bank of elevators and pushed up.

“What's on the 17th floor?”

“Our suite.”

“A suite?” he raised an eyebrow. “At the Lux?”

“Mmm hmm.”

When the doors opened, Liv pulled him into the elevator. She gave him a sweet kiss before just holding him. Ed didn’t think there was anything better than the feeling of her body close to his. It was like the comfort of home. Almost instinctually his hand went down to caress her ass.

“I didn’t pack anything.” He murmured, his lips tracing across her hairline. Everyone could see them but he surely didn’t give a damn.

“Don’t worry, Sean took care of everything.”

“You and Sean conspiring…it feels like old times.”

Liv just smiled as the doors opened and they walked down the hall. Her purse was huge but she put the key in the phone pocket so that she wouldn’t lose it. Inside the room, Ed was impressed. It was quite large, with modern décor and a wonderful view of Manhattan.

“I don’t want to think about how much a night in this suite cost.” He said. Despite that, he was taking off his shoes. There was nothing wrong with taking full advantage of his good luck.

“Three things,” Liv held up three fingers. “1, we’ll be here two nights. 2, I know a guy…I rarely pay full price for anything. 3, you paid for Paris; I think I can handle a weekend staycation.”

“This is why we skipped dessert?” Ed wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t want her getting away.

“I thought room service might be nice. We can just lie back and relax together, just the two of us. Noah is with Nathan and Clo, excited about his weekend away. We don’t have to have a single worry on our mind.”

“You're an amazing woman.” He smiled.

“If the man I'm going to marry thinks so then I'm going to take his word. I don’t think I tell you enough how good you are, to me and for me.”

They moved the party over to the couch, a long, wide, slightly overstuffed sectional. Ed was content to lie back for a while, eyes closed, and feet up on the ottoman. Liv was in his arms, warm and relaxed. The silence was comfortable again. It was soft, quiet, and never made Ed feel nauseous. 

He could just hold on and stroke Liv’s hair. She would rub his belly, filled with a delicious dinner and nothing was better. If he didn’t want to interrupt such a moment in time, Ed would take a picture. In his mind’s eye they were a sight to behold.

“I don’t think I've ever told you, but my doctor’s name is Vicki.” Liv spoke in a low tone. She didn’t want anything to invade upon this moment either.

“Your therapist?” Ed opened his eyes just a bit to look down at her. Her breathing hadn’t changed; her positon in his arms hadn’t changed. She felt safe.

“Yes. She's actually a trauma specialist who deals specifically with military personnel and law enforcement officers diagnosed with PTSD. She's a godsend.”

“I'm glad that you have her.”

“She told me that it’s important to talk to the people I love about my trauma. Every time you tell your stories, those demons have less hold over you.”

“Sometimes it’s not an easy story to tell.” Ed said.

“Sometimes you have so many stories you sit back and wonder how you're still alive. I also realized that you probably know more than anyone except for me and her. You know about my parents. You know about Elliot, sort of, and Lewis a little. You know that I'm a sexual assault victim with PTSD. You know who Noah’s biological parents are.”

“And I didn’t run away screaming. It’s been hard for you but I would never judge or look down my nose at you. I love you and want to be supportive in your healing.”

“I spent almost 13 years in a very intimate, very toxic relationship.” Liv sat up and looked at him. She wanted to look Ed in the eye when she said it. It was time…it was past time. How much of it he'd already figured out wasn’t for her to determine. She had to tell him. “Elliot and I were not sexually intimate, though there are a fair share of people who thought we were.”

“I didn’t.” Ed always thought Stabler could only get a hard on from hurting someone but he never said and it wasn’t his business anyway. Whether he and Olivia were sexually involved wouldn’t have changed his feelings for Olivia. Or Elliot for that matter.

“We were symbiotic; fed off each other until there was hardly anything left. Then he walked out on me without as much as a goodbye. Not even a fuck you. Even in the depths of my misery at his betrayal, I still knew it was probably the best thing that had happened to me in some time. I began to rebuild. 

“I took Nick under my wing; I learned to have a trusting partnership without stripping yourself down to the nub. I learned that in so many ways someone asking you to do that didn’t love you or have your best interest at heart. I started seeing Brian, not my best choice admittedly and I was still being secretive about it in the beginning, but I didn’t run from a man. Things were a different normal than the one I was used to…and I liked it. I became a sergeant when Munch retired and my life was moving in a positive direction. Then William Lewis walked into my life and burnt it to the ground.”

“Can I ask you a personal question? You never have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

“He didn’t rape me.” Liv shook her head. “I didn’t lie under oath about it but everyone thinks I did. He was a sadistic rapist after all. He did sexually assault me but I would prefer never to talk about it. I haven’t even talked about it with Vicki.”

“Liv, that wasn’t what I was going to ask.” He wanted to hug her, touch her face, but Ed didn’t want to trigger anything. He'd seen what a panic attack or a triggering moment post-Lewis looked like and knew she didn’t need that tonight. He could only exhale when she held his hands. They both needed the comfort. “I would never ask you anything like that. If anyone other than a licensed medical professional was dying to know that, they're not a good person.”

“What did you want to ask?”

“Did you kill him?”

“I wish.” Liv held the breath she was holding. She knew she was safe with Ed but that still didn’t stop her blood from running cold when he wanted to ask a question. It was why she grabbed hold of him. She needed to remember that he was him; he was safe. She also needed his warmth. “It really was Russian roulette. 

“He told me if I didn’t play he was going to rape that little girl right in front of me and then kill us both. His luck ran out that day but he didn’t have much else going for him anyway so, it is what it is. I don’t think that anyone believes that either, that he killed himself. Everyone thinks they know so many parts of the story but the truth is it reads like something out of bad fiction. The more wild and implausible it is, the more true. Lewis reads like bad fiction but that fiction is my real life. 

“The two years between Elliot walking out on me and that monster snatching me are nearly a blur. Those were two great years. I had my lows but I was free…I could finally put myself and my needs first. I haven’t felt whole since I was kidnapped. I've been holding it together, sometimes by a thread. 

“I tape pieces back on, try to pick up all the pieces that fall along the way, seal the cracks; it’s been a long road. You know all of that better than anyone. With Vicki I'm just trying to get back to that two years. I'm trying to get past Elliot and in a world where William Lewis doesn’t exist. I'm trying to be whole again.”

“Is it healthy to want to be in a world where Lewis doesn’t exist?” Ed asked.

“I don't know.” Liv shrugged. “Let me cross that bridge when I get there. I'm never going to resolve what my father did to my mother and what my mother did to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly make peace with it either. I can leave it in the past though, in the dusty bin where it belongs. Also, I'm leaving my job in January.”

“What? I thought you loved your job.”

Liv absolutely loved her job but it was time to move on. She'd been working with rape survivors, domestic violence survivors, abused children and adults for 22 years. She honestly didn’t want to anymore. Olivia Benson was burnt out. She'd been burnt out for years but did the only thing she knew how to do…keep going. She had no idea what she would do with the rest of her life but she knew it was time to stop this. 

Though she would never bragged, she'd saved thousands of lives. She wrote and promoted legislation. She worked with so many politicians, including the Vice President, to help victims and survivors get the justice they deserved. Now she was speaking on college campuses and in high schools to make sure the next generation recognized the yellow and red flags. It was time to call it a day.

“I could write a book or train for a marathon.” She said. “I might devote a year or two to being an active stay at home mom. I don't know yet but I know it’s time to give myself room to breathe; room to grow old and happy. I want to do that with you by my side.”

“I'm never leaving your side.” Ed held her hand to his lips. “Well I'm sure I will for some reason, I mean that more figuratively than anything else. I want to be your best friend. You know what though, it’s totally fine if I'm not. It’s OK with me if that’s Nathan, Rafael, or Melinda. Having friends outside of our relationship is important and I never plan to infringe on that. I encourage it.”

“And I want to encourage you and Michelle to remain friends as well, if that’s what the two of you want. I'm jealous of her, Ed, I'm only human. Saying that out loud is important to me because when I hide things they just fester. I also know that you deserve whatever friends you want and that you would never be unfaithful to me.”

“Never. I love Michelle, she is an important person in my life. But she's not you, Liv.”

“She had parts of you that I will never have access to and that’s infuriating. She's been intimate with you and that’s maddening. But it’s silly for me to feel the things I sometimes feel where this is concerned. You don’t have to worry about me trying to mess around and ruin that relationship for you.”

“I'm proud of you.” he took her face into his hands. “You’ve come such a long way, baby.”

“There are miles to go.” Liv said.

“Rest a moment and enjoy what you’ve accomplished. You're never alone in this. I know for some of it you'll have to be but only in that moment. As soon as you step out of it, I’ll be there. Other people who love you will be there.”

Liv hugged him and never wanted to let go. She thought this would be harder, not because Ed was hard to talk to but because she had struggled with it for so long. But it wasn’t. She hadn’t told him everything of course, and probably never would, but Ed was right…he never ran screaming. Now she knew it was meant to be the two of them for sure. Maybe that was what scared the hell out of her all along. But Liv knew and she was ready to close her eyes, let go, and fall.

“Why didn’t you propose to me in Paris?” she asked, her cheek resting on his shoulder. “I would've married you right then.”

“And regretted it by the time we got back through Customs.” Ed replied.

“Ed…”

“It happened like it was supposed to happen. Paris was a dream come true for the both of us; I don’t regret a single moment we spent there. I look forward to going back together. We don’t have to look back on old times and wonder why we didn’t do things differently. We have a great future ahead of us. I'm looking forward to that.”

“I'm looking forward to being your wife.” Liv smiled.

“I'm going to enjoy that myself.”

“So let me give you one more surprise.”

“Today isn't even my birthday.”

Liv reached for her bag on the coffee table. She pulled out the manila envelope and handed it to him. Ed gave her a skeptical look, clucking her under the chin when she laughed. He opened the envelope and looked at the papers inside. “Is this…?”

“I don’t know what took me so long; I need to apologize. Trevor has had them drawn up for months. I got them and signed them last month. Now all you have to do is sign. Read them, of course, I made sure that he put everything in pretty Standard English. I didn’t want you signing something you didn’t understand.”

“I'm sure I can figure it all out. And you're sure about this, right?”

“Even if I wasn’t in love with you, you are Noah’s father. You chose to be his father willingly and with no strings attached. We ended our relationship and three years later being his father was still just as important to you. I never had a father and I think, that as much as I knew the whole thing was pure and based solely on love, I had to get around to understanding it. I had to get around to Noah having something I didn’t…two somethings I didn’t. He had a father and he had you. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s true. I understand now and I could never deprive my son of such unconditional love and call myself a good mom.”

“Hey, you're a great mom.” Ed said.

“Thank you, and you're a great father. We’re a good family…I want that to be legal and binding.”

“Before the weekend ends I’ll sign the papers so that Trevor can file them on Monday.”

“We can pick Noah up on Sunday afternoon, take him to brunch, and tell him we’re getting married.”

“Baby, Noah already thinks we’re married.”

“How?” Liv asked. “He said you had a girlfriend.”

“Because he's six years old and has a limited scope of mommies and daddies. I bet when we tell him, he won't quite understand.”

“I'm intrigued now.” She laughed some. “I never thought of that. I can't wait to see how he reacts. Oh God, he's going to bring up your girlfriends. Daddy is a polygamist.”

“C'mere for a minute, you.” Ed pulled Liv onto his lap. She grinned as her upper body pressed against his. Adjusting her legs and her dress, she straddled him. Ed had no problem with that. “Tell me what will make you happy.”

“Right now?” she ran her fingers through his hair.

“Going forward; in our future.”

“I want to wake up every morning next to you. I want to live; I feel like I haven’t lived in quite a while. I'm getting myself together so that Noah can have the mother I never had and I'm still working on that. I want to take road trips and sing songs in the car together. I want to be a part of a healthy, happy, thriving unit.”

“The three of us.”

“And Cait, Sean, and Jason too. I know they're adults but I want to repair my relationship with your kids and make sure they know that I love you and will be a good wife.”

“It could take time to gain back that trust.” He said.

“I'm willing to put in the work, Ed.”

“I believe you.” he kissed her. “So that’s what will make you happy?”

“Yes.” Liv nodded.

“Anything else?”

“Closure. But it’s going to have to come from me and it will take more time and more work. What about you…what's going to make you happy?”

“You. And don’t let that worry you or make you nervous. I don’t want you trying to change or being something you're not for me, Liv. I love you and have always loved you just the way you are. All the goals you're working toward to be a better you are just going to make me love you more.”

“And you don’t need anything else?” she asked.

“Well, maybe a nice little house with a front porch and a porch swing where we sit at night with the dog and drink tea after Noah’s in bed. That’s pretty hard to find in Manhattan though. Plus, I'm getting older by the minute and a house is a big investment. I'd be happy if you just got a bigger couch.”

“If I do will you move in with us?”

“I will even if you don’t but there would be much grumbling about it. Sean and Zency can have the Hell’s Kitchen place; my rent is better than The Bronx.”

“Your rent?”

“Yeah.” Ed nodded. “I’ll charge them of course but not out the nose. He's my kid after all but I don’t want him free riding through life.”

“You own that apartment?” Liv asked.

“I own the building. Helped a friend out of a monumental jam in 99…long story.”

“So I can retire and we won't starve? Even with both of our pensions, I was a bit worried about it.”

“There is enough to take care of the family; we’ll be fine. You do whatever your heart desires and I’ll make sure of it.”

“Oh, Ed.”

“Do you want to get dessert now?”

“Yes.” She nodded.

“We can change into pajamas, cuddle in bed, find something good on TV, and see where the rest of the night takes us.”

“Yes!” Liv threw her arms up in triumph. She climbed off Ed’s lap and started making her way to the bedroom. It would blow his mind when he saw the mirrors on the ceiling. “Are you coming, Captain?”

“I'm right behind you and already enjoying the view.”

***


End file.
